Dear Kim,
I feel like I’ve tried to write this message a hundred times now, but it’s hard to describe my situation. I’m still reeling. My husband of 34 years came home one day last month and absolutely blindsided me, asking for a divorce as soon as our youngest daughter left for college. I haven’t worked for nearly 23 years now. I took care of the kids while he took care of the bills. At the time I was thankful that I didn’t have to think anything about our money, but now I realize it’s more like I was kept in the dark. I have no idea how much was in our shared account, how much is left on the mortgage, or if there’s even anything saved for my retirement. I’m at a total, total loss. I feel helpless and hopeless all at the same time. Where do I start? How do I do this?
Sincerely,
Searching For a Silver Lining
Dear Searching,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could tell you I’ve never heard that story before, but I’ve heard it many, many times. The first place you can start is by informing yourself of the status of your finances. Look for statements of accounts. There may be a listing of accounts in a filing cabinet. If you can figure out at what institutions the various accounts are, you can call them and if you’re listed as a joint owner, they will give you the balances. If he has been planning this for a while, he may have diverted funds into accounts in just his name, and those will be harder to discover. Hiring a forensic accountant to help may be necessary, and there are several good ones in the area.
When you go through Discovery as part of the divorce process, your attorney will ask for a full accounting of assets. If it is found he withheld information, the judge may hold him in contempt of court, but that threat doesn’t always encourage full disclosure. Once you have a reasonable idea of the assets and debt of the household, you can begin to formulate a reasonable division. If your husband is still working, he will have time to replenish funds divided with you. You, on the other hand will find it harder after being out of the workforce for so long to bring your personal income up to a level that will allow you to be self-supporting.
The court may award you a greater share of the assets to make up for that. You may also be awarded alimony or support to allow you to make ends meet. Begin considering jobs that you may be qualified for, or discover what schooling you may need to begin a career you have an interest in. Think of things you may have thought about in the past you would like to explore but thought you didn’t have the time or skill to pursue.
This is a time for new beginnings for you. There is life after divorce and most of the women I work with find great joy and satisfaction with their new lives. It will just take a while to work through all the things you must do to get there. Recognize that with the stress you are currently under, your brain doesn’t process information as efficiently as normal, so give yourself grace and get a trusted friend or family member to help you keep track of all the moving pieces.
I wish you the best of luck as you navigate this new path.
Sincerely,
Kim
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